Halloween is nearly here, and while everyone else is dishing up tutorials to transform your face into sexy versions of whatever, I’m here to dish out some truth. I’m not going to show you how to do your makeup this Halloween, I’m going to show you how not to do it. Learn from these mistakes from a beauty expert. That’s me, it’s my blog, so I’m the expert right now. Watch me as I skilfully dissect some so-called iconic looks to give praise where it is due, but most importantly, to point out so big mistakes so you don’t fall into the same trap…

Captain “Pazuzu” Howdy, The Exorcist

I think it’s great that even as a Captain, Pazuzu is not afraid to experiment with some fierce looks. All I’m saying is that using eyeshadow to define your teeth is a bit too much even for the evening. But that contouring is really really good.

For you, I recommend: Colgate toothpaste, to keep those teeth shining pearly white.

Annabelle, Annabelle

The sad fact is, you can’t tweeze your eyebrows off and then replace them with one lazy line and expect people not to notice. This look would be vastly improved with some microblading or something. Also, your foundation has settled into your lines but you look about 12. And I’m taking away your contouring kit until you can be responsible with it. You could learn a lot from Captain Howdy.

For you I recommend: a lovely scarf to hide the fact that your neck is attached by a joint.

Valec, The Nun

Hun, where are your eyebrows? Never go Claudia Winkleman on your eyeshadow and forget her cardinal rule of going nude on the lips. Also, the contacts are too much. There’s owning your flaws and being proud of yourself, and then there’s tracing your spider veins with an eyeliner. Overall, flagrantly OTT. As a woman of God, you should know JC prefers a subtle touch.

For you I recommend: any lipstick that is not black. One of my favourites is Mehr. You should start out matte.

Pennywise, It

Overall, I’m impressed with this dedication to finishing powder, but I think you should try some other colours than red and white. Making your forehead a feature is bold, but distracting with the red lipstick over your eyeballs was truly inspired. I have also never been so impressed with someone colour matching their contact lenses to their hair colour.

For you I recommend: try doing the same thing in a deep purple to really make that orange pop.

Pinhead, Hellraiser

You can’t make acupuncture part of your look. If they don’t sell it at Sephora, it’s not makeup. But I am loving the subtle smoky eye. Good effort. I don’t think people praise Hellraiser enough for its truly skilled portrayal of the smoky eye.

For you I recommend: take out the spikes and go for some lovely dangly earrings instead. And maybe some lip plumping gloss.

Billy, Saw

You forgot to blend your blusher and you don’t have any eyebrows, but styling it out with red contact lenses is definitely balancing the look out. It’s a bit obsessive to match your lipstick with your bowtie and handkerchief but I do appreciate the level of dedication that led you to thinking that was a good idea.

For you I recommend: microblading, so you get a good foundation for those missing eyebrows.

Chucky, Child’s Play

Ah, see – this is the problem here. The unwritten rule is always to wash your face before you start applying makeup. It’s not your fault, you didn’t know. We can start again with clean skin and some champagne coloured glitter eyeliner to make those blue eyes pop! And don’t worry about whatever the hell that is on your cheek, that’s why they invented concealer.

For you I recommend: a good facial scrub.

Remove 👏 your 👏 face 👏 mask 👏 before 👏 applying 👏 make 👏 up

For you I recommend: facial wipes. I know they’re really bad for your skin but I don’t think it’ll matter in this case.

The no makeup look is WORKING for you, babes! But FYI it’s only your incredible facial structure that’s helping you pull this off. So. Try not to be so damn smug about it. You perfect bitch. 💁🏻‍♀️💕

For you I recommend: a really trendy nail colour.

We can definitely do something about this but please promise me, Samara – honey… never cut your fringe. Okay, sweetie? Some people just can’t pull it off and you’re one of them.

For you I recommend: blotting paper, to soak up that well water.

Where did you even get green foundation from…? If you buy it at a costume shop, it doesn’t count as a “desk to evening” look, hun. But those eyebrows are on fleek.

For you I recommend: contouring to accentuate that strong Roman nose and long face.

You’re one of these Instagram makeup people, aren’t you? Creating whole heads out of nothing and standing against a black screen to show off how awesome your brush skills are… well. One of your heads is too light, so I’m not even impressed.

For you I recommend: hats. When you can wear two at once, why not?

This is why a lot of people do the eyes first and foundation last. Don’t worry about it, just blot it away and we’ll rinse your eyes out with Optrex.

For you I recommend: start your eye makeup first and then clean as you go!

Nothing but perfection here.